Sick.

I feel lousy right now, kind of in that all encompassing way commonly referred to as the Flu.

On the rare occasion when I feel sick enough to climb into bed and stay there it occurs to me how profitable it is. I'm convinced that something happens spiritually to us when we're forced undercover. I believe God refines us. He works every so subtly, stripping away our "superman" complex, the one that runs automatically and unchecked most of the time, lubricated by hubris, with all the dashing sheen of a fake Rolex, to reveal us for who and what we really are: a run-of-the-mill Timex. If that.

In the grand scheme, illness is healing. It is God editing our back-code. Pulling and replacing wires. It helps to know this, because when we do we can mine these experiences for even greater growth, with the added appreciation of mercy and grace. We can look if we choose and and find meaning and open ourselves to the Lord's exploratory surgery with the knowledge that we need what He's doing, which He does for our sake, whether we want it or not.

Sickness brings the Healer.

Lily.

Middle of ... Nowhere?

Things are moving. And not.

The Lily project is stalled due to re-edits and the need for a firmer direction. Shooting the Matt Davis video this weekend. Stewart Financial, the presentation, went well; dynamic, powerful, fertile, smart ... expensive?

I think they loved my efforts to really wind them out, but I have a feeling they don't like the price. They move a lot of dough these guys, but one should never make the mistake or believe the presumption that this means that these companies like to spend money. Stated goal is to double their assets under management to $200-million in five years, but what I proposed (3% of 1% of their existing portfolio or less than the price of a brand new mid-sized car) may seem too steep for them.

The problem with all this is the same problem I face more or less continuously: lack of liquidity. I earn (modestly) and I spend (appropriately, for the most part), then I typically run out of money and have to scramble all over again (actually, scrambling never ceases). I can't afford to lose this op because I have no fallback. No savings. No new prospects. Nothing.

I have lived this way long enough to know not to beat myself up over my circumstances in life. I hate it but I won't allow myself to internalize this more or less constant sandblasting into cancer. The confusing part is always, "Where is God in all of this?" I don't understand why the Lord isn't overcoming for us the bludgeoning, real world penalty one pays for striving to be His and integral (in the world but not of it) at the same time.

I guess what St. Francis de Sales says (above) is true.

Drag.